Apocalipstick
by Miss Selah
Summary: The meek might inherit the Earth, but they'd have to wait until the zombies were through with it. [crack fic][zombies][zomromcom][Penny Sheldon]


Title: Apocalipstick

Author: Miss Selah

Summary: The meek might inherit the Earth, but they'd have to wait until the zombies were through with it. [crack fic][zombies][zomromcom][Penny Sheldon]

Genre: Humor / Horror / Romance.

A/N: If it hasn't been done before, it should have been. If it has... well, I'm sorry. I'm new to the fandom. Please enjoy - I know I did!

**WARNINGS: ZOMBIES. And all that that entails. Some gore here, but not much. Tread lightly. **

**Additionally, Penny is, in her own words, a big 'ol five, but nothing too graphic there. **

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In the beginning, Sheldon had just stared out his window. Idiots, he thought. Everyone out there was idiots. The time for fleeing was well passed; they'd all be better hunkering down and staying on the defense for the time being.

Penny came over carrying her laptop and not bothering to knock as she let herself in. "Hey Sheldon, your internet's not working and I wanted to check my email. Did you change the password again?"

Sheldon sighed as someone screamed. He'd been hoping that she would stay on her side of the hall where she belonged. He was _so _looking forward to being able to enjoy double rations. Drat.

Penny flinched. "What was that?" She asked in a quiet voice. "Is someone hurt? Should we call the cops?"

"I wouldn't worry too much about it if I were you, Penny," Sheldon insisted. There was the sound of breaking glass coming from three stories down and he paled. "But you might want to come inside and shut that door."

Curse his ingrained chivalry.

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"Max Brooks always said that if you lived in a big city like ours, you ought to get out before the dead start rising, and he seems to have been the only expert on the matter." Sheldon looked out the window of the apartment and made a face of displeasure. "I _told _Leonard not to go into work today."

Penny looked over Sheldon's shoulder with a grimace. "Do you think we ought to help them?" She asked as she watched what she could only assume was a zombie begin to gnaw on the face of another human. He ripped a chunk of the man's cheek and the man screamed. Again, the zombie lunged, this time for the throat, and there was a gurgling noise before silence.

"Oh good," Sheldon said, shutting the window. "At least we don't have to listen to _that._"

He was taking it awfully well. Penny, however, was not.

"Sheldon, there are people eating people out there!" She screamed, just a touch hysterical.

"I don't see why that should have any bearing," he said irritably as he rubbed his ears, "on your inside voice, Penny. If anything, you should speak more _quietly." _

Penny nodded, eyes wide.

"Uh-huh," she said, nodding frantically. "Quietly. Got it."

Another scream tore through the air from outside the apartment complex, and Sheldon narrowed his eyes on her.

"Quiet," she repeated, her finger pressed over her lips.

"Good."

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There was a pounding on the stairwell and a scream, then, blissfully, silence.

If you didn't count the croaking jaw-rotting-of-hinges sound of undead chomping as they nommed happily upon old Mrs. Weatherworn from apartment four-oh-seven.

Penny looked nervously at the heavy metal door that Sheldon had reinforced with an overturned metal bookshelf that he sautered to the wall with a kit that he had kept hidden in the back of his closet for just such an occasion. Penny had questioned his logic when he told her that he only kept welding equipment in case of apocalypse, but her arrogance was silenced when he reminded her that the end of the world _had _come, via zombie.

"You called it, Sheldon," Penny agreed as she sat on his bed. He tweaked an eyebrow, but resisted the urge to tell her that she wasn't allowed in his room. She was his only companion left in the world now, he figured, and it wouldn't do well to alienate her now, no matter how annoying he found her. "Zombie apocalypse. If you had told me, I wouldn't have believed you."

"I _did _tell you, and Leonard," he postulated, "but you two wouldn't listen. Besides, it was either this or the vending machines," he said and pointed to the top shelf of his closet. "But that's what I kept the jar of quarters for."

"Vending machines?" She asked doubtfully.

He glared at her. "There is a zombie apocalypse outside, Penny. That is the dead rising and eating the living. Do you really think that vending machines developing self awareness and conquering mankind is _really _that unlikely?" He shook his head, as though she was an idiot. "Be _reasonable_, Penny."

A car alarm went off outside and Penny sighed. "Vending machines," she agreed, preferring not to argue. "I guess it makes sense."

"No, Penny, it makes _cents!" _He snickered. "Bazinga."

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.

Penny considered making a run for it - after all, just because Leonard had taken his car to work didn't mean that she didn't still have _her _car - but Sheldon called her a ninny and she sat down with a flop on the couch.

"It may be the zombie apocalypse out there, but I know for a fact that you didn't get your check engine light checked out while you had the chance, and the last thing that we need to be doing in a death trap like that," he jerked his thumb in the direction of the window, "is to get into a death trap like yours."

"I put a smiley face sticker over the light," she said helpfully. "You know, if that'd make you feel any better."

Sheldon gave her an exasperated look and just shook his head.

"Penny?"

"Yes Sheldon?" She asked, hugging a pillow to her chest.

"I know that it's the end of the world," he said as empathetically as Sheldon Cooper could manage, "but that's still no reason to sit in my spot."

She squinted her eyes and him and scoffed. "_Really, _Sheldon? Are you kidding me?"

"If I was kidding, you would have known by my use of the word 'Bazinga.' Now get out of my spot."

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"You know what my favorite part of the zombie apocalypse is?" Penny asked, licking her finger as she flipped the page in Sheldon's copy of _The Zombie Survival Guide. _

"What's that?" He asked.

"Everyone who ever wrote a Zombie apocalypse survival guide is dead," she said as she furrowed her brows. "This junk is completely useless."

He made an agreeable noise in his throat, but continued to work on his board. "Just be grateful that Leonard decided that the apocalypse was a bunch of hokum; if I hadn't had the rations, you'd be a Penny chew-toy."

"I love you too, Sheldon."

Sheldon scoffed loudly, but he couldn't deny that there was a certain amount of heat that rose in his face.

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He'd never really seen the appeal of the opposite sex, but when Penny had to start wearing his print shirts because she didn't like the way her clothes were starting to smell and he wouldn't allow her to waste precious water by cleaning them as often as she'd like, Sheldon began to see the appeal.

She did have very nice legs, at least.

"What are you looking at, buttercup?" Penny asked as she sunbathed in the patch of light by the window.

Sheldon blushed and looked away. "Nothing. And don't call me that."

"No problem sugar butt."

He gave her a double take, but she didn't even look up.

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Penny eyed her ration bag with a scowl. Sheldon had put them both on a diet plan to make their food last the longest - he had prepared 6 months worth of food for two people - but they were quickly approaching their fifth month and the end was in sight.

"Sheldon?" She approached him one day when her worries got to be too much. "What are we going to do when we run out of food?"

"Easy," he told her. "I hid another two-person supply in your filing cabinet across the hall. When Leonard became enamoured with you I found it necessary to stock your home as well in case he decided to do something idiotic like try and rescue you."

Penny looked confused. "I have a _filing _cabinet?" She asked, and then shook her head. "When did you do that? How come you never told me?"

"Well, it was back when I was still sneaking into your apartment to clean it, and I believe that you told me to never mention the incident again."

Penny frowned at the door. "So then... we'll have to _leave _the apartment?" She asked, worriedly.

Sheldon nodded. "I have my paintball equipment underneath my bed; if you don't know how to fire a gun I suggest that you practice out the window, but I'd prefer it if you'd consider using the baseball bat instead."

"What will you be carrying?"

"Hang on," he said, and retreated into his room, only to come out with...

"What the heck is that thing?" Penny asked, genuinely concerned.

"It's a klingon bat'leth," Sheldon said helpfully. "Nothing strikes more fear into a man's heart than a bat'leth."

"But these are _zombies, _Sheldon."

He shrugged, and she didn't press the issue.

"H'_okay... crazy." _

"I'm not crazy." He said, and brandished the bat'leth menacingly. "My mother had me tested."

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Despite preparing for the day when they had to venture outside the apartment for more supplies, and despite knowing that they picked a day when they hadn't seen any zombies around the apartment for nearly a week, Penny was still frightened.

"We're safe in here," she complained in a hushed whisper to Sheldon. "Can't we just wait till next week? We still have almost a month of supplies!"

"We're _not _safe," Sheldon postulated, "only _safer._Besides, who knows if they'll be acting up again next week? Better to do it now while everything's quiet."

"Okay," Penny agreed, pumping herself up.

"Now, remember the plan?" He asked. The last thing that he needed was Penny to get skittish and bolt on him.

Penny nodded. "Barricade the stairwell and make our way up to the top floor and then sweep down."

"Perfect," Sheldon said. "I'll be right behind you."

Penny took a deep, steadying breath as Sheldon finished melting the metal that welded the bookcase to the door frame and moved it out of the way as quietly as she could. She gripped her baseball bat a bit tighter, reassuring herself with the weight of it.

"Let's go, Penny."

They blocked off the stairwell with the large metal bookcase and Sheldon sautered it to the elevator and the railing while Penny stood guard, cursing every second the gas powered machine chugged. She was absolutely positive that any second a zombie was going to come lumbering in on them.

"Okay, it's secured," Sheldon whispered and grabbed his bat'leth. Penny wished that he had grabbed something else, but at least she was armed too. Besides, she figured that either way she'd need to be the brawn; she couldn't imagine that Sheldon would be terribly effective at hand-to-hand combat.

Locking the apartment behind them and ignoring hers for the time being, Sheldon and Penny went straight up to the sixth floor of the complex and began to work their way through the units side by side, moving quietly as they checked each room carefully for any signs of the undead. Penny had nearly lost her lunch when on the fifth floor, when they found the corpses of the old married couple who had lived in the two bedroom unit laying dead together in their bed, but Sheldon assured her that they were dead and not undead, and together they wrapped the bodies in a sheet and hurled them bodily out the window.

In fact, they ran into no trouble at all until they got to the fourth floor and found Alicia still in her apartment.

In a manner of speaking.

She may have killed the creature that had invaded her apartment, beating its head in with the drawer from an end table if the scene was anything to go by, but her right foot was missing and her face was somewhat gnawed upon and with much less flesh than Penny remembered her having before.

Her teeth were as white as ever though. _Skank. _

Penny smiled as she saw the lumbering corpse of the once beautiful actress and held a hand up to stop Sheldon from going at her.

"Oh _please,_" she asked with a sadistic grin as she tightened her grip on her baseball bat. "Let me show you how to do it."

Sheldon admired her enthusiasm. "By all means."

"Ye-haw."

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With the supplies that they'd gathered, Sheldon estimated that they had perhaps two years of canned goods if they kept rationing carefully. With the addition of the extra space, pilfered board games, and enough pillows to make a fort fit for a man of his stature, as far as Sheldon was concerned it was a successful venture.

Plus Penny got to beat the brains in of a girl who had once made her feel bad about herself. Win-win.

Funny thing, though; once Penny knew that it was safe to return to her own apartment and that she could have her own space, she realized that she kind of liked it, living with Sheldon.

Maybe Leonard hadn't been as crazy as she had once thought.

She'd tried to sleep in her own apartment one night, but she'd been restless and antsy and soon made her way back across the hall.

"Sheldon?" She asked, knocking on his door.

He'd let her in with a sigh of relief. "Oh good," he said. "Strangest thing; I couldn't sleep without you here. I was just about to go across the hall to get you."

Penny smiled. "Can I sleep in your room tonight?"

"Don't be ridiculous; there are fresh linens on your bed."

"Leonard's bed," Penny corrected with a regretful sigh.

"No," Sheldon repeated, eyes gentle. "_Your _bed."

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There wasn't much to keep Penny's mind occupied, and Sheldon wasn't the worlds greatest conversationalist... o_r maybe he was!_ She thought with a sardonic grin. _They might be the only two people left! _

She passed the time by sitting in the window and watching the zombies hoard three stories down as they reached up for her.

For his part, Sheldon tried to pass the time by solving riddles that he'd never been able to solve back when he had to appease the rest of the world. He worried a bit about what would happen when his supply of whiteboard markers he kept in the coat closet ran out, but he would figure out what to do about that when the time came. Currently, he was trying to figure out how to create a self sustaining energy force out of the odds and ends that he had gathered by taking apart unimportant knick-knacks and doo-hickies, but every sigh Penny made held his attention and every rustle dragged his eyes back to her form. He was making very little headway on his research and then she started talking and his headway went from 'very little' changed to 'none at all.'

"You'd like a bite, wouldn't you?" She asked with a sexy grin. "I am delicious, tempting, and tasty. Oh, you'd like to just eat me up, wouldn't you?"

Her voice was sing-songy, and though Sheldon found her pitch annoying, something about her words had his white board marker frozen in place as every ounce of his vaunted intelligence went out the window.

"You'd like to lick and chew me up, isn't that right?"

Sheldon looked down at the marker in his hand as if he wasn't quite sure what it was for.

"You're wondering if I taste as good as I look, aren't you?" She giggled lightly.

Sheldon finally snapped and spun on his heel. "_Wi_—" he tried again for a lower decibel. "Will you please keep it down? Some of us are trying to do something useful."

Penny blinked back at him from her place on the window and gave him a totally innocent look. "Sorry, Sheldon, I wasn't listening. I was talking to the zombies."

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She'd gotten her nail polish from her apartment, but no matter how much he asked, she refused to do them anywhere but in their living room.

"_Please _go out to the hall?" He asked pitifully.

She shrugged. "Nah, I'm comfortable here," she said and wiggled her toes at him. "Ready for your turn?"

Sheldon looked more frightened than he had when the zombies first took over the world. _They'd _eventually starve to death, he knew. Penny, on the other hand, was going to keep on terrorizing him until the end of the world.

Well, if something like that ever happened again.

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"I think we might really be the last two people on Earth," she said by way of conversation.

"Mmm," he was rereading Leonard's copy of _The Olde Curiosity Shoppe. _

"And there's really not much to _do, _these days." She was twisting her hair around her finger, but Sheldon didn't notice. He just made a noise of agreement.

"Are you sure that I can't sleep in your room?" Penny asked, pressing her body against his. "It's _cold _in mine."

Sheldon shivered as the nerve endings in his body lit up like a fireworks show on the fourth of July. _Curse these genetics..._ he thought as he tried to think unsexy thoughts. Decay. Muck. Large white birds. _There, that's better. _

"Put it back in your pants, Penny," he said, a little higher than he meant too. "I'm not interested."

She moued her lips in displeasure.

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It had been a lollipop that had finally been his undoing, although where she had found it was beyond him.

She'd been prancing around in less and less clothing, and with no cold showers to speak of and due to a shame that had been beaten into him by his - presumably - dead mother, he wouldn't take care of the issue himself.

She'd been leaning over the counter in a slinky tank top, spinning that hard candy in her mouth and he'd been suddenly so overwhelmed with the desire to taste it second hand that when she'd begun to move towards him he didn't notice.

When she'd spun his chair around to face her he didn't care.

And when she'd pressed those puffy lips to his, he found that he rather liked the combination of 'Penny' and 'cherry lollipop,' and he couldn't be bothered to push her off of him.

Besides, she was right; there _wasn't _much to do anymore.

And while their journey outside the apartment had been quite fruitful, new white board markers were not among their spoils, so his work was already suffering.

_Besides, _he justified as he pulled her body close to his, _it's the end of the world, and there's nothing I can do about preserving the knowledge of mankind. _

She thrust herself against his leg and his cognitive faculties began to shut down.

He thought, _oh, so this was what all the fuss was about. _

And then he didn't think anymore.

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The sound of loud, clanking metal woke them up. At first, it was so unfamiliar that Penny couldn't place it. Then she stretched in bed, and then pushed on Sheldon.

"You awake?" She asked tiredly.

"Mmhmm..." he responded, covering his face with a pillow.

"Did you lock the door last night?"

"I do every night, Penny, you know that." He rolled over, intent to ignore whatever was trying to pull him out of sleep.

"What's that noise?" She asked, and got out of bed, padding to the window. Her eyes widened and she covered her mouth in disbelief.

"Uh... _Sheldon?" _She asked, her voice breaking. "You _might _want to come look at this."

Sheldon blinked up at her, grumpy. "This had better be important," he said, and rose to stand next to her at the window.

He blinked once.

Again.

There, in the street, marching like an army, was row after row of vending machines.

"You have _got _to be kidding me!" Penny exclaimed, grabbing the windowsill so tightly that her knuckles turned white. "Un-_freaking-_believable!"

Sheldon just sighed. "Keep your voice down," he reminded her, and patted her on the shoulders. "I'll go get the quarters."

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A/N: I am marking this as complete, but if you enjoyed this, I recommend you follow it as well. If I can think of new end of the world puns, I'll probably make a second chapter. For now, though, consider it complete. And if you enjoyed, please review. It's the only payment I receive.


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